There has to be a change

In February, baby number 3 arrived. After 3 full term pregnancies and a loss since 2004, my body seemed to no longer be my own. I was certain after Felicity arrived, I would lose the pregnancy weight easily. Why wouldn't I? I had before. Apparently, my age, the situations in my life and my pregnancy itself didn't allow for me to drop that weight as I had planned.

I have never been a ripped woman with rippling muscles however I have typically been fit, exercising, playing sports and riding competitively through college. So I figured I would just begin eating well, continue nursing and the weight would melt away.

Felicity is 10 months old. I have lost some of the weight, however I still hold 20 pounds which I can't lose. Its driving me nuts. The end of Colin's doctorate, paired with selling and buying new homes, moving out of our home, moving into my parents cottage and moving and settling into a new home and life half way across the country may have had something to do with it, however its got to stop.

No more excuses. My goal is to drop the 20 pounds by summer. I want to wear a bathing suit proudly and I want my kids to be proud of me. This means changing my eating habits, it means exercising, it means making time for me....and by the beginning of the year....I plan to start. First I am modifying my eating habits. Its not WHAT I eat, but portion size. so I am going to be splitting meals. As for exercise, every little bit helps. So I will start by getting in 20 minutes a day. And sure, I would love an eliptical trainer however its not in the cards, so work out videos and walks must suffice....

So here we go...21 weeks to a new you...I mean me. FOR ME, BY ME!

It was Today

That the girls eyes opened wide. They were excited to come downstairs and see the Magic of Christmas and Santa. I was thrilled. After a rough night waking time and time again with the baby to nurse, Simone pounced on us sounding full of glee and excitement. Since last night, the feeling of the Christmas Spirit had been strong in my mind. I was excited to watch the girls and the fun that they would have opening gifts and sharing laughter...and making memories!

Cecily jumped into our bed shortly after. She was exicted as well, and I was excited to watch her as last year was still a bit new for her. She had a lot of help opening gifts. I was also thrilled because I was pretty certain what Santa had in mind for her.

A few years ago, a well read, well versed, extremely intelligent mother told me of her family's Christmas Tradition. A gift to read, a gift you need and a gift you want. It seemed simple and perfect. For us, I altered it a bit. Its a stocking from Santa and two gifts. The girls asked this year to buy for each other so I allowed it however I am not sure if I am going to continue because I feel it allows us to get into the "want" mode a bit too much!

Anyway, I was downstairs before the girls arrived and was able to photograph their reaction. I look forward to posting those photos upon our return from our trip! In any case, they slowly made their way through gifts. Those from Nana and Papa, Grandy and Grandad, Uncle Rob, Uncle David, Aunt Angie, Uncle Michael and Nicole. It took quite a while. I loved watching them savor their gifts. It was a beautiful experience.

My favorite moment was Cecily opening her Cat. Yes, two weeks ago she continually began asking for "A Toy Cat". I was pretty sure Santa was delievering. That he did. It was darling to watch.

I also enjoy getting the few gifts I have because I cherish them more and they are very special. Some of my favorites are my scarf (I am currently wearing), my EMU slippers (which I may wear out), My Flip and my new Keurig Coffee Maker.

Life is pretty sweet. We have our health and our family together...what more could I want?

Merry CHRISTmas!

Tonight driving, my father and husband were discussing the new mascot for The College of William & Mary. Yes, they are changing from "The Tribe" so that they are not politically incorrect. They are considering five other potential mascots. The finalists are kinda silly, http://www.wm.edu/about/mascot/?svr=web, they include "The Griffin, The King and Queen, The Phoenix, The Wren and The Pug". Why? Well because "The Tribe" is potentially politically incorrect.

As they mentioned this, I thought back to a few recent times I have encountered fear of being politically incorrect. About a week ago, as I prepared for my daughter's Christmas Party at Dance, I chose to use Candy Cane's. With them, I wanted to include a little story about the candy and how it came to be. Before doing it, I posted the idea on my facebook status with the story, http://www.homeschooled-kids.com/candycanelegend.html, it was amazing how the conversation started. I had friends both for and against it. In the end, I chose to just hand out candy canes so that I wouldn't offend anyone. My thoughts wouldn't be to promote my faith, simply to share why these candies hang everywhere this time of year. Another recent experience was just today as I was reading the story of the First African American Baptist Church. As I read aloud to my 4 year old, I found myself growing quieter, hoping that I wouldn't offend any African American's standing by. And why? Because I worried this was their heritage and I wondered if because I was white would I be offending them trying to teach my children about their heritage in Colonial Times which we all know were not pleasant, Gowan Pamphlet was one of the first preachers and she asked if our neighbor, Mr. Pinkman was from Africa as Gowan Pamphlet was. (http://www.history.org/Almanack/people/bios/biopam.cfm)

Finally, as I sat at the computer watching Holiday Greetings light up, I wondered when it went from CHRISTmas to Happy Holiday's. I in fact received a card this year that said Happy Holiday's Merry New Year. Interesting. I have nothing against other faiths and would love to learn more about their celebrations but I ask, why must I neglect my celebration of Jesus' birth by saying "Happy Holiday's". Why can't I wish my Jewish friends Happy Hannukah? Why can't I simply send greetings of a "Happy Kwanza" to my friends who share in their African Heritage and warm wishes for holiday's of other faiths of friends.

In two days, I will celebrate Jesus' birth. My savior. The man who hung on the cross for my life. Who died so I will live. I will be darn sure to remember to tell all those around me...MERRY CHRISTMAS for in the gift of God's own son, my life has been saved.

Merry CHRISTMAS friends....and a Happy New Year. May Peace and Happiness be surrounding all my friends of all faiths. God Bless.

TV before 2!

So I have read the studies. No TV before 2. And with Simone I basically followed it. Sure, she watched some Baby Einstein when I was in the shower sitting in her bouncer, but overall I tried to keep her away from the boob tube all the time and did a pretty good job. She was talking well by age one. She knew her letters, numbers, shapes and colors before two. She could "read" stories she had heard before (i.e. she had memorized the cute little board books). She was a bright child. When Cecily arrived, I gave her a "Barney" DVD for when I was nursing the baby. Once a day, she watched the show, and as much as I detested the big purple beast when I babysat, I began to listen to his messages, and *gasp* began to like him. And since then, I have found that TV when used in moderation isn't so bad. I don't agree with the studies. Cecily started watching TV earlier. Like I said, when she was born...LOL. Of course, I monitored her watching as well, and we're careful on show choices. If its vacation or they are sick, I am less rigid, but overall, its one show a day. Some days, no TV whatsoever. Once in a while each child can pick a show (meaning the older two girls) and most are educational. Cecily is 2. She's got her shapes and colors, can count, but those letters and numbers are eluding her. Is it the TV, doubtful. Is it that I am not pushing her? Is it that I am allowing her to play more? Is it that she's the second child and more physically advanced and academically "normal". Probably, and I am okay with that. This morning I found myself directing the 10 Month Old to BARNEY. Yes, the girls picked him out to watch and I found myself singing along, telling Felicity it was on. And did it stunt her academic growth? I bet not. In fact, I bet the music makes her dance...oh, I should be honest, the music now makes me dance. So, all in all, my post....TV before 2? Sure, when regulated, monitored and selective. I think its AOK!

Roller Coaster Parenting

Last night after a lovely dinner with friends at the Diner (yes, I ate at a diner and I wasn't intoxicated, nor did I order cheese fries), Cecily seemed a bit glassy eyed. As every winter approaches Cecily sits through much of it congested, wheezing and sick. So I wasn't a bit surprised when she busted out with a fever by bedtime last night. Nervous I slept with her on my stomach until about 10 p.m. when we returned her to bed...she joined us in our bed on 3 occasions and finally fell asleep in her bed at 5 a.m. with some tylenol to ward off the fever.

Today was the big "Dance Party" for the girls at 5-6-7-8 Dance. They adore Miss Carissa (the owner and instructor) and I was excited to watch their entire class and celebrate with sweets and treats. When Simone waltzed into the room this morning bright eyed, she announced that she was in a "dancing kind of mood". With Cecily's fever, I wasn't sure how this "dancing kind of mood" would play out with the announcement that her dance would have to be performed at home. So I talked to Colin and he saved the day...staying with the little girls while Simone and I dashed out the door. I was so excited to see her dance. I had just told my friend how her behavior has really been improving with continued work and I was really hopeful that I would get a "break" in parenting and be paid for my efforts in watching her with friend grinning. It started just as I had imagined. First, she gave her gift to her teacher. Then she linked arms with her friend Emily and soon it was time to watch her dance.


Though she may not be a natural, her effort was apparent and for that I was elated. I was proud of her for trying. After warm ups, they did her favorite song "Its Raining Sunshine". For those who don't know, Miley Cyrus brings us that lovely rendition of the sunshine raining all over mankind. She grinned ear to ear even when she didn't know the steps and I was so excited....then my dreams were shattered. I was mortified and I wondered if every parent goes through my next experience....as Miss Carissa announced the next dance, Simone yelled "NO". She ran to the back of the classroom and held up her hand saying "NO NO NO NO NO NO". Embarrassed, I told her to get back in line and perform or we would go home. She started to and then ran across the room the other direction shouting that the song was "dumb" her mom was "stupid" and the worst mother in the world. That is when I proudly accepted the awared guiding her out of class, collecting my belongings and hanging my head in shame.

Where is my little angel? Why has her behavior taken a turn for the worse? Why does it hurt so much when a four year old tells you that you are a bad mom. From discussing it with others this afternoon I hear its good I followed through. I hear its something others face, and I hope that it changes. Upon our arrival home, she sat on the steps to think about her actions until it was time to head for the pediatrician. She was great there and my hope was that the behavior was corrected however, when speaking with a contractor at home after the appointment, she began again. I don't know what I did to make her so sad. To make her hate me, but we're really struggling . She wrote a great apology note but instead of being sad for her behavior she was proud of her note. Not quite my hope. My goal is to raise HAPPY, KIND, RESPECTFUL kids. No matter what they want to be or who they are, I will love them...but why does it seem this parenting job is so hard? I just hope I don't mess up....so, REALLY SIMONE, WHAT IS UP? How can I help you to feel better? To feel loved? To stop hurting? Because without you, I wouldn't be a mom and God gave you to me for a reason...but what is it...........

Its beginning to look a lot....

Like Santa won't come for Felicity this year :) I jest. This morning we were able to participate in daddy's work party that included "Cookies and Crafts with Santa". The girls were thrilled, but as a mom, I wonder if it was really myself who was even more thrilled to attend. I woke up to the news that "Uh Oh the baby is on the steps". When daddy is cooking, anything can happen so I was like lightening and dashed to the steps. By the time I arrived, she was safely in daddy's arms. I think :) So then it was morning coffee, showers and a mad dash to get ready. With three girls I think I will have to begin preparing a wee bit earlier next time. Between blow drying 4 women's hair, curling 3 women's hair and dressing us all, we dashed out the door and arrived right at 10:00 a.m. as the event began. Simone and Cecily were excited to see Santa, however Felicity had some different thoughts.

Are you REALLY just going to walk away?

In 1999, when I met my then boyfriend, I had no expectations. In fact, I assumed that he, like so many other guys in college were looking for a short term thing and then moving on with life. I am sure at times, he wanted to run...and if there were ears in those Alpha Sig chapter meetings I am sure those ears burned with comments from him regarding our relationship. As we furthered our relationship and truly began to love, I began to see and understand pure love. In my opinion "Pure Love" is love that is given without the need to have it returned. Hopefully he doesn't mind that it did. My soon to be smitten self couldn't imagine a minute without Colin and my hopes that we be engaged quickly were apparent.

In 2001, shortly after I finished school, I moved to Chicago. With no promise of engagement, I felt that perhaps Colin wasn't ready to settle down and wondered if he didn't trust the Covenant of Marriage. It is my belief that in marriage, a man and a women should stay together for better or for worse. This is for richer or poorer and in sickness and health. As giddy individuals many expect none of the negatives will ever present themselves, but shortly after we made our vows in 2002, it was plain to see that many struggles would challenge our union. When things aren't perfect, I run, so by the end of 2002, I wondered if our marriage would actually hold out. Through every fight, Colin has always remained true and said one thing: "I married you for life, I will never leave, but I want you to be happy". This gift is so selfless and so rich, sometimes I need to write it to remember it. Even now in heated discussions he'll take a breath and when I angrily ask why he's stopped talking, his response "to choose the right words so I don't hurt you".

My marriage is not perfect. We have faced many challenges from day one. We've had graduate school, dismissal from a job, addiction, conflict over money, living at the poverty level, unexpected pregnancy, the loss of a pregnancy and other major blows that may have separated other people. Through it all, my amazingly strong husband has loved me, and I have loved him. In fact, as I write this I realize how much MORE I love him than the day we said "I do".

In the past two years, I have watched as many men (and women) seem to forget or neglect their vows. It seems that when the going gets tough, or the sex life gets dim, they get moving on. I have watched as friends have faced the sadness of someone walking out, separation, the angst of will he or she return, the worry of their children being left, and most often its because the individual leaving is putting themselves first. When you give yourselves to a union, you are not asking to be thought of as an individual anymore, yet a team or a unified being. I have been overwhelmed with not being able to heal my friends hurts. I have been saddened by the gross lack of respect and love for someone that has been chosen to be your life partner. I have been mortified at the ease in which many leave.

Recently I asked my father if this was a phase that many people went through. When I first finished college, my good friend Jarod and I spoke about phases in life. Was this one of them? By phases, I meant college life, marriage , children in many friends and now divorce? Divorce is such a sad state of affairs. Its become so easy to obtain one that its more like the Ugg Boot that seems to stay in style and never completely go away. Sadly, the reasons behind the divorce are often deeply rooted in personal strife, which many of those left behind are willing to help their partner with, however that individual doesn't seem to recall the words they spoke to their partner on their wedding day. And leaving, is hurting so many more than just themselves. Their selfishness seems to radiate out to their immediate family, friends and those most affected are those who truly love them, especially their spouse or children.

I have spent a lot of time in contemplation. I have spent many a day and night listening to friends who struggle with this awful epidemic which seems to be rampant here in the 28-40 age bracket and I have been praying about this. Praying hasn't given me a complete answer, even asking God why this is happening? The six marriages of friends that have been dismantled in the past two years have truly shaken my understanding of marriage and love....so really, is the world not realizing what Marriage Truly is. Many people are fighting for the right to acknowledge their love through marriage and those who have taken those vows seem to neglect the meaning go. Are you REALLY just going to walk away from such a special gift?